BREAKING: White House Proclaims, “Climate Change Defeated” Scientists Left Applauding
By Stack o Turtles’ Politics Dept.
WASHINGTON, D.C. In an address that can be described as a verbal sledgehammer lacking in any subtly or nuance, the administration triumphantly declared victory over “Climate Change.” According to the President, “Our brave warriors deployed a barrage of, the most beautiful, and frankly, best munitions. I’ve completely destroyed the atmosphere, no more atmosphere, that’s right, it’s decimated, it was weak.” According to the administration the climate can no longer change, it’s gone. Ergo, climate change is over.
“We solved the problem…” the President announced, standing at podium wearing a scuba mask on the tarmac before Airforce One. “…when something isn’t then it can’t okay? It’s simple, USA 1 Climate 0. Now I’m off to meet my good friend Vladimir in Alaska for very important talks.” The press corps watched on, also in scuba masks, as he boarded the plane. It taxied to the runway and inexplicably came up to speed but never took flight, crashing into the shrubberies and deploying slides. Only minor injuries are reported. The president was unhurt and was in fact overheard firing the pilots before yelling, “WEEE” while sliding to safety and being whisked away by Secret Service.
Operation Sky Blank
Dubbed Operation Sky Blank, the campaign saw the U.S. military redirect "bunker-buster” bombs originally designed to get that figurative 'check engine' light to turn off in the middle east. General Max Blaze told Stack o Turtles, “We went big, we had one shot at this because we feared retaliation. To stop change in its tracks we had to vaporize any and all carbon emissions as well as any hint of atmosphere that could harbor it.” When asked how the idea originated, he said, “The idea was from the top, the Commander-in-Chief made an excellent case for use of our assets to the fullest. The order was clear, I’m proud of my soldiers who followed orders with the blind discipline this great country expects of us.”
Scientists in Forced Consensus
In a display of scientific and political unity not seen since the moon landing, the nation’s top scientists have been coerced into praise. Having no scientific choice but to concede, Dr. Gretchen Thornström snorkelled, “Technically, you can’t have climate change if you have no climate, I suppose there is no longer a debate.” Across America and beyond, gutted research facilities -once home to complex models and purpose- house grieving climatologists who now attend weekly job fairs for food science positions. Demand for processed food products have begun to skyrocket in demand due to, you guessed it, all living things dying due to a total lack of atmosphere on Earth. “We miss the uncertainty,” admitted postdoctoral fellow Sunny Nullweather between scuba valve clicks, clutching a tattered copy of The Uninhabitable Earth, “At least then we had something to argue about.”
The Aftermath
With the atmosphere gone, life as we knew it has predictably devolved into comedic dystopia:
Technology: AI continues to march on unchecked, driven by competition via the profit motive, but on the bright side some are giving lip-service to security.
Economy: The American dream continues upon its trajectory of escape velocity, hurtling away from younger generations at an accelerating pace due to unyielding boomer control of the apparatus of markets and industry.
Cultural: Every artist is spiralling into existentialism while watching 12 year olds generate entire albums and art portfolios in 20 minutes on their iPhones with ChatGPT.
This Stack o Turtles reporter is just realizing that, apart from breathing apparatuses 24/7, nothing significant has changed. Even the U.N. convened an emergency session to unanimously agree that “there is technically no atmospheric problem left to address.” However, it was concluded that the world’s oceans and waterways are quite polluted and measures must be taken. Unless surprise, unilateral action by the U.S. is taken against water, Stack o Turtles will keep you apprised as this menace develops.
What’s Next
As the planet contemplates its new vacuum state, global leaders propose “Operation Pump-Up”: launching a campaign to attract more young people to politics. The hope is to generate profuse amounts of hot air eventually re-establishing an atmosphere. Stack o Turtles fully endorses the project, firmly believing that more politicians is the only answer.
Stack o Turtles Prediction:
Café giant, Starbucks will provide “oxygen boutique experiences,” offering vente atmosphere chambers to elite influencers who can remove their scuba to show us their amazing eyebrows.
Stay tuned to Stack o Turtles: Where we anticipate a climate catastrophe yet choose to air out some shitty satire.